Here is the next installation of 50 jokes for 50 states. Da Da Da Da....... .....
Kansas: What do a jack knifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They're all fixin' to lose a trailer.
Kentucky: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Louisiana: What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal of the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Maine: After surveying property along the Maine and New Hampshire border, some engineers decided that the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire. "Good", said the farmer, " I couldn't take another one of those Maine winters."
Maryland: An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by. "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?" "Sure buddy", says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?"
The plebe snaps to attention and barks, "No sir!"
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
50 jokes for 50 states continued
Delaware: A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"you mean aspirin?" says the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
Florida: My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law (Jerry Seinfeld)
Georgia: How do you know when you live in Georgia? When all the directions start with "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase "When you see the Waffle House...".
Hawaii: There was an old woman who lived in a shoe... and also had a time share in Hawaii.
(there is a picture showing an old woman sitting on a flip flop on the beach).
Idaho: Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn: Commander --Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command --- His best friend.
Auxialiary Commander -- His wife.
Captain -- New guy.
Militia Headquarters -- The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad -- Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidently shoots himself during training.
Illinois: This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough (Richard Jeni)
Here is mine: The state where our Governors make license plates. -- I actually heard this one somewhere, but I can't remember where to give that person the credit, but it is so true, so I couldn't resist.
Indiana: (this is a comic with a picture of a guy in a bar with a shirt that says "I Love Gary". The guy next to him at the counter is looking at him funny. The comment on the bottom is "It is not what you think... I'm from Indiana.")
Iowa: What do they call 100 John Deere's circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night.
"you mean aspirin?" says the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
Florida: My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law (Jerry Seinfeld)
Georgia: How do you know when you live in Georgia? When all the directions start with "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase "When you see the Waffle House...".
Hawaii: There was an old woman who lived in a shoe... and also had a time share in Hawaii.
(there is a picture showing an old woman sitting on a flip flop on the beach).
Idaho: Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn: Commander --Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command --- His best friend.
Auxialiary Commander -- His wife.
Captain -- New guy.
Militia Headquarters -- The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad -- Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidently shoots himself during training.
Illinois: This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough (Richard Jeni)
Here is mine: The state where our Governors make license plates. -- I actually heard this one somewhere, but I can't remember where to give that person the credit, but it is so true, so I couldn't resist.
Indiana: (this is a comic with a picture of a guy in a bar with a shirt that says "I Love Gary". The guy next to him at the counter is looking at him funny. The comment on the bottom is "It is not what you think... I'm from Indiana.")
Iowa: What do they call 100 John Deere's circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
50 jokes for 50 states
I found this also in Reader's Digest. I thought it was hilarious (some anyway). I will do several a day until I get to all 50.
Alabama: When a visitor to a twon in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident adn told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
"I'm not from this town," said the hero.
"Then," the reporter said, "it will say 'Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.'"
"Actually," said the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
"In that case," the reporter grumbled, "the headline will be 'Yankee Kills Family Pet.'"
Alaska: An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of April to October?"
Arizona: It's so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.
Arkansas: An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pick up truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver asks, " 'bout what?"
California: The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catchint perps. So a rabbit is realeased into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits to not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Colorado: How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3000 mountain bike on top of his $500 car.
Connecticut: What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedy's don't own Connecticut.
that's it for today. Stay tuned for the next few.
Alabama: When a visitor to a twon in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident adn told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
"I'm not from this town," said the hero.
"Then," the reporter said, "it will say 'Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.'"
"Actually," said the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
"In that case," the reporter grumbled, "the headline will be 'Yankee Kills Family Pet.'"
Alaska: An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of April to October?"
Arizona: It's so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.
Arkansas: An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pick up truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver asks, " 'bout what?"
California: The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catchint perps. So a rabbit is realeased into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits to not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Colorado: How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3000 mountain bike on top of his $500 car.
Connecticut: What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedy's don't own Connecticut.
that's it for today. Stay tuned for the next few.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Lord of the IKEA?
As my only reader knows, I am a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings and IKEA, I thought this was quite funny. See if you can guess. This came from Reader's Digest.
IKEA product or Lord of the Rings character?
1. Faramir 2. Freden 3. Grundtal 4. Boromir 5. Molger 6. Galdor 7. Freda 8. Agerum 9. Babord 10. Frodo 11. Grima 12. Akurum 13. Brunkrissla 14. Sultan Hogbo
IKEA product or Lord of the Rings character?
1. Faramir 2. Freden 3. Grundtal 4. Boromir 5. Molger 6. Galdor 7. Freda 8. Agerum 9. Babord 10. Frodo 11. Grima 12. Akurum 13. Brunkrissla 14. Sultan Hogbo
Friday, January 9, 2009
Oh the Crazy Day!!
I don't know what started it all, but it was justa very crazy day. I started to wonder if I should have gotten out of bed this morning. Now that I think of it, maybe I will go crawl back in.
I got up later than I intended, oh big surprise, which usually leads to a shorter day to do the stuff that I need to get done.
I went do do some errands that I wanted to get done before the snow started to fall, when you have three girls, toilet paper is an important thing to have around. I have one child who either hates cold or her car seat, not sure which at this point. If it is cold, I truly understand as I am not too fond either. If it is the car seat, I can't say that I enjoy the seatbelt, but I am so used to it that I really don't notice it anymore.
Anyway, where I am going with this is that we were in the car on one of our busiest streets here in town and the baby was crying uncontrollably. I had all ready yelled at her to be quiet and that did not work (when am I going to learn that it does not work to yell?). I had tried one of her favorite toys and that did not work either. FInally, I was stopped at a light and I figured "maybe her hands are cold" so I turned to put her mittens on her and apparently my foot left the brake pedal as I bumped the car in front of me.
I felt so embarrassed. When we pulled into a parking lot and looked it all over, I was so relieved that there seemed to be no damage to either vehicle, just a little wounded pride on my part. I apologized profusely to the poor man in the other vehicle while I was very thankful for bumpers on cars. Thankfully I don't think he is going to report it as he did say that there is nothing to report.
I think God was giving me a wake up call that I was being very selfish this morning in how I was treating my baby and now I am very thankful for that little reminder.
I expected my husband to be upset, but he said that he had done the same thing before. I didn't feel quite so bad then.
I got up later than I intended, oh big surprise, which usually leads to a shorter day to do the stuff that I need to get done.
I went do do some errands that I wanted to get done before the snow started to fall, when you have three girls, toilet paper is an important thing to have around. I have one child who either hates cold or her car seat, not sure which at this point. If it is cold, I truly understand as I am not too fond either. If it is the car seat, I can't say that I enjoy the seatbelt, but I am so used to it that I really don't notice it anymore.
Anyway, where I am going with this is that we were in the car on one of our busiest streets here in town and the baby was crying uncontrollably. I had all ready yelled at her to be quiet and that did not work (when am I going to learn that it does not work to yell?). I had tried one of her favorite toys and that did not work either. FInally, I was stopped at a light and I figured "maybe her hands are cold" so I turned to put her mittens on her and apparently my foot left the brake pedal as I bumped the car in front of me.
I felt so embarrassed. When we pulled into a parking lot and looked it all over, I was so relieved that there seemed to be no damage to either vehicle, just a little wounded pride on my part. I apologized profusely to the poor man in the other vehicle while I was very thankful for bumpers on cars. Thankfully I don't think he is going to report it as he did say that there is nothing to report.
I think God was giving me a wake up call that I was being very selfish this morning in how I was treating my baby and now I am very thankful for that little reminder.
I expected my husband to be upset, but he said that he had done the same thing before. I didn't feel quite so bad then.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
To Have and To Hold
Well, my only sibling got married last Saturday. Yes, poor guy went through with it.
It was a very beautiful wedding that not only married two people, but also married two cultures. He is a Caucasian American and she is Mexican American. There are many cultural issues that I was not aware of for weddings.
Did you know that the groom's family in the Mexican culture pays for all the wedding expenses? I didn't either. What a great idea. That would prove how much he really loves her.
In Mexican culture a wedding is a time to celebrate, so break out the sangria and tortillas as there will be a PARTY!! It is a huge event in the family's life so everyone and their friends are invited. The invitation goes out and they bring visitors to the weddings so it makes it hard to plan and many times there are large elaborate decorations and large elaborate dinners.
So was the case. ( I will post pictures as proof as soon as I get them, but they are in my mom's camera, so who knows how long that will be, hopefully soon).
They had this elaborate canopy that was decorate with lights, ribbon, greenery, icicle lights, and beaded jeweled crystals. The railings on the front of the altar were also decorated with greenery, lights, Christmas tree bulbs, ribbon, and a silver garland that made things just shimmer. They covered the floor with a cotton cloth to look like a snowy winter wonderland.
In the aisles were light strand on each side of the pews all the way up the aisle to light up the aisles, tall vases filled with the crystal jewel strands, a glow stick, and a piece of silver greenery. I had the priviledge of helping decorate for this happy occasion.
The reception place was also decorated. There were supposed to be two receptions, and I decorated for the first one. This one was supposed to be cake and punch. Well, I decorated and got the punch ready in the fountain and had the fountain running. There was no cake to be found. Come to find out, the bride's mom had forgotten to pick up the cake at the store, so there was a reception with no cake, hilarious.
Usually there is a large dinner afterward. The bride's mom owns a restaurant, so they catered it and we had Horchata (a rice milk with vanilla and cinnamon), a "pollo" dish which is interepreted as chicken. Along with the chicken were Mexican rice and refried beans served with tortillas. Nothing like a nice warm tortilla with chicken and beans in it. Yummy!! I had several.
When it was time to depart, of course the groom could not wait and my cousin yelled out "Have fun", much to the embarrassment of my brother, the groom, who stood there red faced.
I had not shed a tear during the whole ceremony, I laughed when the pastor told them that they had kissed long enough, but I could not hold back any longer when it was time to go and he told me that he loved me and thanked me for everything I had done. That was such a special moment that it brings tears to my eyes today, even though they are well on their way to their cruise for their honeymoon.
It was a very beautiful wedding that not only married two people, but also married two cultures. He is a Caucasian American and she is Mexican American. There are many cultural issues that I was not aware of for weddings.
Did you know that the groom's family in the Mexican culture pays for all the wedding expenses? I didn't either. What a great idea. That would prove how much he really loves her.
In Mexican culture a wedding is a time to celebrate, so break out the sangria and tortillas as there will be a PARTY!! It is a huge event in the family's life so everyone and their friends are invited. The invitation goes out and they bring visitors to the weddings so it makes it hard to plan and many times there are large elaborate decorations and large elaborate dinners.
So was the case. ( I will post pictures as proof as soon as I get them, but they are in my mom's camera, so who knows how long that will be, hopefully soon).
They had this elaborate canopy that was decorate with lights, ribbon, greenery, icicle lights, and beaded jeweled crystals. The railings on the front of the altar were also decorated with greenery, lights, Christmas tree bulbs, ribbon, and a silver garland that made things just shimmer. They covered the floor with a cotton cloth to look like a snowy winter wonderland.
In the aisles were light strand on each side of the pews all the way up the aisle to light up the aisles, tall vases filled with the crystal jewel strands, a glow stick, and a piece of silver greenery. I had the priviledge of helping decorate for this happy occasion.
The reception place was also decorated. There were supposed to be two receptions, and I decorated for the first one. This one was supposed to be cake and punch. Well, I decorated and got the punch ready in the fountain and had the fountain running. There was no cake to be found. Come to find out, the bride's mom had forgotten to pick up the cake at the store, so there was a reception with no cake, hilarious.
Usually there is a large dinner afterward. The bride's mom owns a restaurant, so they catered it and we had Horchata (a rice milk with vanilla and cinnamon), a "pollo" dish which is interepreted as chicken. Along with the chicken were Mexican rice and refried beans served with tortillas. Nothing like a nice warm tortilla with chicken and beans in it. Yummy!! I had several.
When it was time to depart, of course the groom could not wait and my cousin yelled out "Have fun", much to the embarrassment of my brother, the groom, who stood there red faced.
I had not shed a tear during the whole ceremony, I laughed when the pastor told them that they had kissed long enough, but I could not hold back any longer when it was time to go and he told me that he loved me and thanked me for everything I had done. That was such a special moment that it brings tears to my eyes today, even though they are well on their way to their cruise for their honeymoon.
HOME
AAHHH, my own bed, my husband, and my kids. Not on the slow moving train anymore. YIPPEE!!
If it could go wrong on this train trip, it did. We started out being bussed from Portland OR (I from Pasco, WA) to Spokane WA so we could catch the train that was waiting for us t here as it would have started out at 10 hours late. They were trying to get the train back on schedule as many trains had been up to 22 hours late going across the Northern half of the country due to adverse weather conditions (supposedly and I beg to differ that not all were weather related).
Somewhere between Williston ND and Stanley ND, the baggage car froze up, so we ended up stopping for about 2 hours while they unfroze it. The problem with that is that they initially did not tell us anything. We were just stopped at 2:00 am in the middle of the black night in the middle of the open prairie leaning sideways. We could not find any train personnell anywhere and no one answered the call lights. There is no emergency number for the train, so there was this eerie feeling in the pit of the stomach as though something isn't quite right.
Before this, we were stuck behind a freight train that had some engine trouble, so we were waiting there for an hour while they changed the engine on the freight train.
Station stops seemed like they took longer than the scheduled time, so every little thing added time onto the train ride.
By the time we reached the Wisconsin state line we were 7.45 hours late (apparently picking up that 15 minutes in the twin cities helped a little) and I knew that I would not make the last bus to the destination city from Chicago and had to prepare to either have my ride pick me up in Chicago at 12:30ish AM or come to a different destination to pick me up. We chose the latter and I am so glad I did. I was happily in bed before the train ever reached Chicago.
Needless to say, I did call the train company this morning just to let them know that it would be nice if they would communicate with their passengers a little better because we are in their hands while we travel that mode of transportation.
I still think it is a fun way to travel if you are patient and have the time and are aware that you may be late (my total wait time was 14.75 hours -- 7 going west bound and 7.45 going east bound).
If it could go wrong on this train trip, it did. We started out being bussed from Portland OR (I from Pasco, WA) to Spokane WA so we could catch the train that was waiting for us t here as it would have started out at 10 hours late. They were trying to get the train back on schedule as many trains had been up to 22 hours late going across the Northern half of the country due to adverse weather conditions (supposedly and I beg to differ that not all were weather related).
Somewhere between Williston ND and Stanley ND, the baggage car froze up, so we ended up stopping for about 2 hours while they unfroze it. The problem with that is that they initially did not tell us anything. We were just stopped at 2:00 am in the middle of the black night in the middle of the open prairie leaning sideways. We could not find any train personnell anywhere and no one answered the call lights. There is no emergency number for the train, so there was this eerie feeling in the pit of the stomach as though something isn't quite right.
Before this, we were stuck behind a freight train that had some engine trouble, so we were waiting there for an hour while they changed the engine on the freight train.
Station stops seemed like they took longer than the scheduled time, so every little thing added time onto the train ride.
By the time we reached the Wisconsin state line we were 7.45 hours late (apparently picking up that 15 minutes in the twin cities helped a little) and I knew that I would not make the last bus to the destination city from Chicago and had to prepare to either have my ride pick me up in Chicago at 12:30ish AM or come to a different destination to pick me up. We chose the latter and I am so glad I did. I was happily in bed before the train ever reached Chicago.
Needless to say, I did call the train company this morning just to let them know that it would be nice if they would communicate with their passengers a little better because we are in their hands while we travel that mode of transportation.
I still think it is a fun way to travel if you are patient and have the time and are aware that you may be late (my total wait time was 14.75 hours -- 7 going west bound and 7.45 going east bound).
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Popcorn and Preaching?
I know you are wondering how those go together. So was I. I told my dh and he just gave me a knowing laugh.
I visited my parent's church for their New Years Eve service and we did the normal Baptist thing and ate and ate, had preaching (if you could call it that), games, and testimony time.
Then they did this "popcorn preaching" thing where the "preacher boys" got up and preached 5 minute sermons. In about three instances, they were given a verse that night and given 15 seconds to look at it, then 3 minutes to preach on it. Maybe I am just an ignoramus woman, but tell me how much study can really be gotten in 15 seconds?
How much true change can take place in a 5 minute sermon, or would any life changing decisions just be made all on the basis of emotion? Have I just gotten so used to the meat of the Word and the long sermons that a short sermon of that nature just does not seem quite right?
I grieve that preaching is sometimes thought of as entertainment or not taken seriously. Preaching is a very serious undertaking and should not be taken lightly.
Tonight my dad made the comment that he thought the "preaching" was really good last night. I made the comment that not much studying could have taken place for those sermons. He replied that he got the same things out of those verses that they did. Does this prove how simple minded people can be or am I just being overly critical?
One of the verses from the book of Colossians mentioned the elect of God and I just wanted to shout out "Do you really know what that verse is talking about", especially when you read the context of the verse.
One of the sermons, the preacher asked the same question that I have for numbers oriented churches. "If you have 3000 people saved this year (as the church claims), where are they? Why are they not being discipled? Why are they not in church? Someone finally had the guts to ask that question. The answer that can be given is that no one is taking the time to do it.
Tell me, what is better -- living a life that pleases God and people can see Him in us and taking time to witness when the opportunity is presented before us; or going from house to house in our culture today and/or shoving the Bible down the throats of complete strangers just so that you can say that you "got someone saved" and having that high number on the record books.
It grieves that so many of these "saved" people may have made the decision to get people of their doorstep, or because they felt manipulated into a decision, or were pushed down an aisle and have no real concept of what true salvation is --repentance and declaring Jesus Christ Lord of your life. Forever changing and walking with Him.
I visited my parent's church for their New Years Eve service and we did the normal Baptist thing and ate and ate, had preaching (if you could call it that), games, and testimony time.
Then they did this "popcorn preaching" thing where the "preacher boys" got up and preached 5 minute sermons. In about three instances, they were given a verse that night and given 15 seconds to look at it, then 3 minutes to preach on it. Maybe I am just an ignoramus woman, but tell me how much study can really be gotten in 15 seconds?
How much true change can take place in a 5 minute sermon, or would any life changing decisions just be made all on the basis of emotion? Have I just gotten so used to the meat of the Word and the long sermons that a short sermon of that nature just does not seem quite right?
I grieve that preaching is sometimes thought of as entertainment or not taken seriously. Preaching is a very serious undertaking and should not be taken lightly.
Tonight my dad made the comment that he thought the "preaching" was really good last night. I made the comment that not much studying could have taken place for those sermons. He replied that he got the same things out of those verses that they did. Does this prove how simple minded people can be or am I just being overly critical?
One of the verses from the book of Colossians mentioned the elect of God and I just wanted to shout out "Do you really know what that verse is talking about", especially when you read the context of the verse.
One of the sermons, the preacher asked the same question that I have for numbers oriented churches. "If you have 3000 people saved this year (as the church claims), where are they? Why are they not being discipled? Why are they not in church? Someone finally had the guts to ask that question. The answer that can be given is that no one is taking the time to do it.
Tell me, what is better -- living a life that pleases God and people can see Him in us and taking time to witness when the opportunity is presented before us; or going from house to house in our culture today and/or shoving the Bible down the throats of complete strangers just so that you can say that you "got someone saved" and having that high number on the record books.
It grieves that so many of these "saved" people may have made the decision to get people of their doorstep, or because they felt manipulated into a decision, or were pushed down an aisle and have no real concept of what true salvation is --repentance and declaring Jesus Christ Lord of your life. Forever changing and walking with Him.
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