Father-Daughter Talk

This is another one of those papers that were given to me by my neighbor. She works for a local Conservative Republican Congressman.

A young woman was about to finish her first year at college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words, redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth as she indicated so to her father.

Her father responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she does not even show up to classes because she is too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1. 0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. Taht way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades? I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next nothing toward her degree. She played while worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked, and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat I'm all ears.

(However, lately, they are closer to one and the same. November will be interesting. There will be a lot of holding of noses on the side of the Republicans who do not care too much for the candidate. I do hope, however, that unless an alternative comes up, that the majority of the Conservative Republicans --like myself-- will choose the lesser of two evils and vote for the Republican. John McCain beats a Barack Obama any old day.)

Rules

This was attached to the application for dating.

Daddy's rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you are a guy).

Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.


Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

Rule 4: I'm sure you hve been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule 5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and the other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information that I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this issue is: "early".

Rule 6: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule 7: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule 8: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, mid riffs, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong sexual or romantic themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot bellied, balding, middle aged dimwitted has been; but on issues related to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daugher home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.

Dating Application

I got this one from my neighbor and had to post it.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

Name ___________________________ Date of Birth _________________
Height ________ Weight _________ IQ _________ GPA __________
Social Security # ___________________ Driver's License # _____________
Boy Scout Rank and Badges ________________________________
Home Address __________________ City/State ______________ Zip _______
Do you have parents? ___yes ___ no
Is one male and the other female? ___yes ___ no
If no, please explain __________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married __________________________________
If less than your age, explain _____________________________________________
Do you own or have access to a van? _____yes ____ no
A truck with oversized tires? _____yes _____no
A waterbed? _____yes _____no
A pickup with a mattress in the back? ___yes ____no
A tattoo? ___yes ____no
Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? ____yes ____ no

(IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "Don't touch my daughter" mean to you?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "Abstinence" mean to you?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ______________________________________
How often you attend ____________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _______________
mother?_______________
pastor? _______________

SHORT ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be: ____________________
___________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: _______________________
C. A woman's place is in the: _______________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ___________________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I alway notice about her first is: ____________________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ______________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

______________________________________________________________
Applicant's signature (that means your name, moron)
___________________ _______________ ________________________
Mother's signature Father's signature
_____________________________________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi/ State Representative or Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non sexual. Please allow four to six YEARS for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and wit would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

Dating Application

My neighbor gave this too me and I just could not resist posting it.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

From the mouth of babes....

Last night was baptism night at our church. I think most of you know how important baptism is in our churches. In most Baptist churches it allows for a believer (whether new or old) to identify with Christ and also usually is the "rite"(for lack of the word I am thinking of) of membership. Our church is not in a building that can have a baptistry, so we have to "borrow" other baptistries. Thankfully, we have a sister church here that has offered us theirs.
My kids are not old enough to be baptised much less fully comprehend the significance of repentance and the meaning of baptism. Here are a couple of things that my kids said last night during and after the baptismal service.
"Mom, do you want to go in that swimming pool? I do". We explained to them that it was not a swimming pool, but a baptistry and they need to repent of their sins before they will get to go in and that mommy and daddy have all ready dont that, and that we pray that one day they will be able to.
"Mom, they should be wearing their swimsuits." We had to let them know that it is not appropriate for this occasion.
One redeeming thing for them is they said while at the table later, "Pastor said that he baptizes them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."
Dad: "Who is the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit?
Kids: "God".
There may be some parents who think we are strict and there is now way that a 4 year old can get anything out of the message, so they should draw (even at age 10) and color or sleep during the service. This proves that kids do hear and may repeat what is being preached even though they may not yet understand.

Time we've been waiting for

We have two greatly anticipated movies coming out two weeks in a row. 1st, tomorrow is the opening of Narnia--Prince Caspian. I think I need to bone up on the book again before I see it so that I can remember what happened. This is the movie that C.S. Lewis fans from all over the world have been waiting for (at least most of the ones I know).
The 2nd is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I have been a HUGE fan of Indiana Jones from the very first one (the second is not my favorite, but it does have some great parts in it) and Harrison Ford. It is time for a movie marathon. I need to watch all three (minus one part) of the Indiana Jones movies in the next week or so.

Happy movie going.

Mother's Day Madness

My husband is so sweet. He wanted to take me out to dinner for Mother's Day. I got a roast out to cook on Sunday and he asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was getting a roast out to cook for Sunday dinner unless he had other plans. He told me that I should assume that I don't have to cook on Mother's day and that we would go out. I told him that I assume that I have to cook and have to plan ahead if we are going to eat at home, which saves us money.
Okay, so I put the roast back in the freezer and we go to church on Sunday morning. After church we went home and changed our clothes thinking that the people would have all ready gone out to Sunday brunches or early lunches with their Moms. After changing we proceeded to go out to dinner. We first went to my first choice, Outback Steakhouse. There was an hour wait which would have been okay. We took their little buzzer and waited. After waiting about 5 minutes, the place seemed to be closing in on us and we realized how small the dining and wait area really was. There was a lady (not small by any measure) who said "excuse me" to get through. I was holding a squirming baby and my husband had both the other two kids. I couldn't move as I was back against the wall. She looked at me and said it again. I looked at her like What am I supposed to do, disappear so you can get yourself through here. I had had enough of that, so we decided to leave and try somewhere else. We drove past Olive Garden and we tried Red Lobster (if you had 3 people it was 20 min, but if you have five, it was 65-75 minutes). Finally, my husband asked me to call Texas Roadhouse. It was a two hour wait. You can't tell me the economy is bad and we are in a recession if there are waits this long at restaurants.
We ended up taking Culvers home. Better idea is to go out for Mother's day on either the Saturday before or the Monday afterward.
We went out for Mother's Day last night to Red Lobster. Only about 10 minute wait and the food was very tasty. It had been several years since I had been there.
Happy Mother's Day, all you Mother's (or want to be mom's) out there.

Mother

Birthday weekend.

The final score.
After the game. Inside the Palace of Auburn Hills.
The game winner. Free throws. Orlando could not make theirs. This is Chauncey Billups shooting a free throw.

Last weekend I had the opportunity to do something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I have always wanted to take my husband to a sporting event for his birthday, but usually there are not any of interest at that time. Not a huge golf (watching it) or Nascar fan.

A couple of weeks I got on the internet to see what kind of tickets I could find at a reasonable price (keep in mind that his birthday is not until June). His favorite NBA team is the Detroit Pistons. His favorite NHL team is the Detroit Red Wings. Can anyone guess where my husband is from? Both of those teams are in the playoffs right now. So you can imagine how exciting sports is around my house.

I thought tickets would be too expensive for any playoff game. I checked into his birthday and of course, the NBA finals were too expensive and there is no guarantee that the Pistons would be going that far, so I went back a couple of levels. I ended up buying him round 2 game 1 against the Orlando Magic. I also checked into the Red Wings hockey playoffs, but those tickets were more than I wanted to pay, though not as high as I was expecting. It was supposed to be a surprise for an early birthday present, but I decided to go ahead and tell him. I am glad I did because I was going to get him round 1 game 7. Well, there was no round 1 game 7 because the Pistons won the series in 6 games.

I am so glad that I did that I splurged on his birthday because I think it was the best birthday present I have ever bought him. He really enjoyed himself seeing some of his favorite players in person. We sat high up in the arena, but the seats were still good. The fans in our section were also good as well. There were not a lot of drunks around us. We have gone to other games wehre the drinking was so bad that the fans were horribly behaved. The atmosphere was great. The best thing of all was the score of the game (Pistons 91, Magic 72). It made for a great experience for both of us.